rape & sexual assault as plot points

Note the obvious content warnings for this one. Also, spoilers for up to chapter 38 of Don’t Worry About It!

I don’t always ask myself, “Why am I writing [specific thing]?” Sometimes—a lot of the time— I write what I want to write, what I am passionate about, or curious about, or interested in, you get it. I don’t question it. Sometimes the idea-generating portion of my creative process is as unknown to me as the bottom of the ocean. My brain does what it wants, and I’m just desperately trying to keep up.

However, there is a time and place to pause. To reflect. I think the question is less, “Why am I writing [specific thing]?” than it is, “What do I have to add to the discussion?”

Don’t Worry About It has two, arguably three, main characters. Wren, Ashley, and Leo. You may have noticed, or not, that all three of them are white. I’m white. I default to whiteness in my writing. I try to be aware of it in a way that isn’t some onerous, asinine, race-blind goofiness that makes me sound like a buffoon. I thought about it. These characters were white upon conception, but that doesn’t really mean anything, because they’re not real people. I considered changing at least one of their races. I felt awkward about it, because even though I try to be aware of my white default mode, I also felt like this was moving into uncomfortably tokenistic territory. And I, eyeroll-worthy overthinking hang-wringing white knight self-flagellator that I am (while also of course being totally cool about it), worried deeply that, “what if I change one of their races, but then I accidentally stereotype something negative about their race because none of these characters are particularly good people?” Because I guess every single person who isn’t white is a perfect princess? like, just calm down. Deep breaths. You can probably tell I both internalized a lot of 2010s tumblr rhetoric and am also deeply neurotic about it, because heaven forbid I ever make a single honest mistake or say something that someone watching from two states over on their telescope decides is problematic. The constant self-surveillance is real. The constant self-surveillance is not my friend. No marginalized group enjoys when others bend over backwards so far for them they lose their heads up their ass. Juuuuust be chill. An old inside joke from between me and a friend, still ringing true after all these years: Detroit become NORMAL.

The characters stayed white. All that bloviating and naval-gazing above (yes, it’s true, few people need to go outside more than I do) completely fell by the wayside because of a much more pertinent question: As a white author, what would I be adding to the conversation of how people of colour (note there was no specific race I was considering, just generic POC) navigate the celebrity world and every other significant theme that comes up in the narrative? As a white author, was I prepared to address how those themes intersected with their race? Fucking no, dude, of course not.

So for me, that settled the debate pretty firmly. At some point I think I’d like to talk a little more about representation in media and my maybe unconventional thoughts on it, but for now, this will have to suffice. Really, the above is meant as an example of what the process can look like when I’m trying to decide what staying in my lane means, without forgetting that the whole point of writing fiction is to explore other worlds, other people, other viewpoints, other… lanes. Other lanes are where we learn empathy, that we are the same but also different, and sometimes there will be fender benders when you’re driving in new places, and it’s fine, and we will all be okay.

At this point, I have now written multiple works that include rape or sexual assault as plot points, most notably Don’t Worry About It and, from my MDZS days, a moment on the lips, which may have slipped you by. Or it’s possible you saw it and intentionally let it slip you by. No hard feelings, it’s not for everyone. It’s not even for me. It’s a nasty little piece of work that explores both of Wei Wuxian’s stints in the Burial Mounds while he’s living there with the Wens and trading their safety for inventions/talismans sent to back to Jin Guangshan, with Lan Wangji serving as the go-between. For anyone who doesn’t know anything about MDZS, Wei Wuxian’s first stint in the Burial Mounds was bad and isn’t flushed out at all in the source material, beyond him honing his demonic cultivation skills, aka his bad boy powers. The world-building specifics are not super important for this discussion, but what is important is the fact that (in the fic) he was raped during his time at the Burial Mounds, which is discussed early on and throughout the narrative. Not explicitly, but it’s also not subtext that during this time, he was raped by (and developed a very complicated relationship with) a supernatural entity that took on Lan Wangji’s form, which of course makes things quite confusing when the real Lan Wangji shows up and has no idea what happened.

In Don’t Worry About It, Wren is coerced into giving Leo’s father a blowjob when she is seventeen, a gift from Leo to dad, as an offering, an apology for being a fuck-up that just got out of rich kid rehab. The newest, hottest star. The actual details of the assault are scant, including what, if any, conversations Leo and Wren had about it beforehand, but the emotional toll it took on Wren eventually coalesces into a very similar sex scene playing out between her and Ashley, with the roles reversed, Wren’s heinous attempt at regaining any semblance of control in her life.

More for housekeeping’s sake than anything, I also feel compelled to mention that I’ve written a number of Wangxian fics where the concept of “consent” is purposefully blurry, because Wangxian, as a pairing, are like… crazy. There are so many crossed boundaries and wild sexcapades in MDZS that are very fun, but also flirting intently with sex pest territory. I’m not here to defend it, just to note that I enjoyed it, and the majority of my more recent Wangxian fanfiction usually deals in one way or another with the absolutely fucked up & in love ‘no-no-yes’ dynamic they have. MDZS is also very funny, so a lot of this is at least a bit tongue-in-cheek on the part of the author. However, as fanfiction is wont to do, a lot of mine is like, “yeah but what if it was less funny?” I wrote many tens of thousands of words exploring their sexual dynamic in more serious ways, and investigating Wangxian’s relationship with consent, power imbalances, and how their personalities and histories impact it.

So I guess if I ever need to point a finger at why I became so interested in writing about fucked up consent dynamics, blame Wangxian.

I give a lot of consideration to the placement of rape/sexual assault in my stories. And by consideration, I don’t mean I sat down and brainstormed the most PC, least problematic way of doing so. I didn’t approach these plot points thinking how important it is to address stereotypes surrounding victims, ‘perfect victim’ narratives, or highlight failures of the American justice system (especially hilarious considering in the source material, Wangxian live in ancient fantasy China where magical powers are real). As I’ve mentioned previously, Don’t Worry has lots to say, but at the end of the day, it’s a story first. From a writer’s point of view, rape and sexual assault are neutral plot points that can be deployed as necessary to make the story work, just like any other. At the risk of sounding like the world’s biggest asshole, these are also really interesting, complex story beats that offer unique insights into your characters, your world, and the themes of your work (if done RIGHT!!!).

From a real alive woman’s point of view, I read the previous paragraph and my response is:

:|

I wouldn’t have written what I’ve written if I didn’t think it could stand up to scrutiny. Novels aren’t PSAs. Writers and other creators have some duty of care when it comes to what they produce, but that duty is so individualized and personal and contextual it would be useless and maybe even harmless to even try to come up with an authors’ hippocratic oath. This is a situation that every party involved (author, reader, publisher, distributor, media coverage, etc) needs to come at in good faith, critical thinking caps on, and not everyone does. In fact, I’m sad to say, hardly anyone does. This blog post is basically my own personal duty of care. Where my creativity, compassion, and writing ability all comes together in some version of an author’s statement. My own overlong TOS that no one ever reads.

What really grinds my gears is that the stigma of writing rape/sexual assault should almost exclusively be aimed at men. Women can and do perpetuate harm against other women, including when it comes to discussions of abuse and sexual assault (just see Amber Heard for example and how she was treated by both women and men, by far one of the most upsetting, surreal, and outrageous sagas I’ve ever seen play out in front of me) but they do so under patriarchy. How often are female writers in media caught writing sexy beat-off rape material like in Game of Thrones? Not very. Switch to the world of fanfiction, and the numbers flip. In large part because fanfiction is skewed heavily female, but also, an exhausted, weary part of me thinks, to cope. There is so much fanfiction out there about rape and sexual assault (visited upon female and male characters, though keep in mind it is almost exclusively women writing it) that has clearly been given no consideration beyond, “this is hot and sexy”. ao3, wattpad, tumblr, it’s there, in huge numbers. I’m not a scientist or doctor, but anecdotally, and keeping in mind the overwhelming percentage of victims of rape are female, what is actually going on here? There are women who have been assaulted, using fanfiction as a way to process their trauma. Or, and this can relate to the first, women who live in a world that holds these types of assaults up as hot and sexy and they have fallen in line, whether they know it or not. Some may argue there is a third possibility: some women, in a vacuum, genuinely find this hot and sexy. I have chosen not to engage with this argument because a) we don’t live in a vacuum, and b) the health and safety of all women is more important than the kinks of a select few, and while I and no one else can stop them from acting on these desires, they should proceed with extreme caution, especially when engaging with male partners, while also taking time to reflect on why they have this kink in the first place, and if it’s not in fact a case of one of the first two reasons.

Even with the above taken into consideration, the most visible instances of rape and sexual assault used as plot points in a misogynistic fashion are perpetrated and (in cases like TV or movies where there are multiple people involved in the production) enabled by men. But even on my own, I’ve wrestled with whether my being a woman who has not been raped/sexually assaulted means I am ‘allowed’ to write about it, oftentimes in fairly gratuitous, complicated ways. Obviously, being a victim of sexual assault is not an identity in the same way that sex, sexual orientation, or race are identities. It’s less a matter of appropriation and misunderstanding than it is the pop cultural and real life misogynistic context it exists in. I don’t want to do it ‘wrong’. But then again, how can my work, written in good faith and with due consideration be ‘wrong’ in how it depicts victims of sexual assault? Especially because implying there is a wrong way to do it implies there is a right way to do it, which just circles back around to idea of there being good victims and bad victims when in reality, there is no good and bad, only a perpetrator and a victim.

For all the reasons outlined in this post, I was trepidations about writing about sexual assault. I did it anyway. Originally, it was meant to be “texture” in Wren’s past (same goes for a moment on the lips, actually). Not to say it wasn’t a significant event in her life, just that the actual story didn’t revolve around it. One of the interesting things I’ve found while writing about sexual assault is the extent to which it takes over a narrative/character. Obviously, sex and sexuality are big parts of everything I write, but it’s been a surprise to me both times (with moment on the lips and Don’t Worry About It) when sexual assault as a character note ends up taking on a much bigger role than the “texture” I mention above. Which is such a strange position to be in, because I feel somehow like I’ve both oversold and undersold the impact of sexual assault on a character’s life. In a way, this reflects the reality much better than any other approach, because the aftermath of any assault will inevitably be messy. There is no clean-cut minty fresh way to recover from being raped. I’m not trying to pat myself on the back as if I’m the only writer who’s figured this out, but I do find it both realistic and difficult to reconcile the concept of an assault as a life-changing event that also, at the end of the day, is just one of many life-changing events strung together over the decades, all of which will affect you in one way or another.

Writing Wren’s assault by John West was complex, both emotionally and from a storytelling perspective. As of this post being published, Don’t Worry hasn’t concluded yet, but I don’t feel like I’m spoiling anything by saying this event, while significant to Wren as a character, remains in the background of Don’t Worry’s narrative. It feels almost tactless to say, but I am very glad I let this particular plot point cook for as long as it did. There’s certainly an element of revelation to it, as what happened doesn’t become fully clear until about 75% through the novel, but the understanding that something has happened to Wren is obvious from early on. There is tension in that period of knowing/not knowing what’s happened that is used as a tool to put together a compelling narrative. It feels, again, a bit ghoulish to congratulate myself for successfully foreshadowing a rape reveal, and yet… here I am. My most generic defense is it felt right for the story. Don’t Worry is not a story of one woman’s courageous #metoo fight against an obvious Harvey Weinstein stand-in and how, as a result, she liberates women everywhere. Wren refuses to know herself. Wren refuses to take anything seriously. Wren refuses to let anything hurt. The narrative decision to withhold the rape reveal until the 75% point was meant to reflect Wren’s own minimizing of the event. Wren doesn’t spend every day dwelling on the many bad things that have happened to her. She doesn’t sit around thinking about herself as a victim, or a survivor, or anything in that realm. In fact, John West’s name appears only nine times in a novel that is over one hundred thousands words long. His absence looms larger than his presence ever could.

The feminist backlash against how sexual assault and rape are depicted in pop culture (and how society responds to it in the real world) is still an ongoing battle that unfortunately will never end. I hope my sympathies and solidarity for this and the continuing (and also never ending) fight for women’s rights are obvious in my writing, both in my original work and here on this blog. In fact, I kind of wish I cared about it less because the weight it puts on my shoulders is immense and unshakable. The weight it puts on my writing is, also, immense and unshakable.

At the same time, I’m not an activist, a sociologist, a philosopher, a politician, a scientist, or a doctor. I’m not responsible for policy, or public health, or proving a thesis. At best, I’m an advocate. But what I really am is a writer. As far as I’m concerned, a writer’s goal should be to craft the best story they can. And part of crafting that story is sitting back and asking yourself, “What do I have to add to the discussion?” Is there even a possible scenario where a thoughtless rape scene is part of a larger and successful story? Is the assault happening on-screen? Is it in the background? How is it described (or, if onscreen, shown)? How is it moving the story forward? Is it excused? Is it between main/secondary characters, or completely random one-off characters? How do the world and the characters in that world react to it? How does it fit into the larger themes and context of the story? Are you confident that depicting the violent subjugation of a woman (assuming the victim is female, as most are) is worth whatever larger point is being made?

Something tells me the Game of Thrones guys didn’t ask themselves these questions. Something tells me the men who have used rape as a cheap storytelling device have not asked themselves these questions. Something tells me that women’s fear and pain and vulnerability are an aphrodisiac to men before they are a character note.

It seems I’ve answered my own question. Of course I’m allowed to write about it. Anyone is allowed to write about it, even if not everyone should. I’m allowed, not because I wrote about it in any specific way, but because I thought about it, in depth, and how it would impact my story and my character(s) and my themes, just like I would with any other significant narrative element. It’s not exactly in my lane. But it sure feels adjacent to it.

It’s awful to sit here and think about how much of our perception of rape and sexual assault has been warped by sexism and misogyny. How we have to have endless conversations and play word games about whether the women who have been assaulted are “victims” or “survivors”, as if changing the terminology changes the crime. The endless, endless discourse of what constitutes rape/sexual assault, to consider the perpetrator’s future prospects when reporting, the humiliation and pain and trauma, potential for STIs and pregnancy (which, of course, vaults the woman into yet another woman-specific hellacious experience regardless of how she proceeds), the stigma, and on, and on, and on. When issues that either disproportionately or only affect women, there is absolutely no getting straight to the point. There is never an easy solution, because there isn’t an easy solution to sexism and misogyny. You can #killallmen all you want. It’s still not the answer. Our world (and I do mean our WHOLE world, not just my tiny little North American sliver of it) is built on top of a system meant to degrade, denigrate, and disenfranchise women. It is everywhere. And just one teeny tiny microscopic drop of it has come, all the way from the top, and found itself here, on this blog that, on a good day, three people read.