don’t worry about it: behind the scenes & what’s next
Note: Spoilers abound for Don’t Worry About It
the part where i bloviate
There’s not much in terms of gratitude I can express that I haven’t already, multiple times. If you’re here, I assume you just finished Don’t Worry About It. Thank you. It means a lot to me. I hope you found it meaningful.
Here and there I’ve talked a little bit about my writing process for this novel. I figured there was no better time to collect my thoughts on my unofficial debut than the final day of posting. It actually feels a bit surreal, in the sense that I have now fully published a novel, as amateur as said publishing journey may have been.
First, a slight elephant in the room: almost no one read it. Obviously this could change… or it could not. I knew when I started posting it that ao3 was far from the best place to market it. To be honest, I don’t know of any platform that would be a good fit for Don’t Worry, including mainstream publishing. Even when trying to find an agent, I struggled with describing my target demographic because it’s such a niche topic. This doesn’t hurt my ego because I am confident in Don’t Worry’s quality, but I think it’s fair to say I am still disappointed in its performance. It’s difficult to swallow the amount of attention my m/m fanfiction got versus my original f/f fiction, but I can’t change what my readers are interested in, or the wider societal factors that influence said interests. To the people who have commented on my fanfiction over the years to say that you’d read a book if I ever published it… chop chop! Judge Judy tapping watch gif!
To the handful of people that read this week-to-week from the first chapter to the fortieth, god love ya. It means a lot to me that you trusted me to pull it off. That was like 20+ weeks of uncertainty, which is a big ask. This was not planned at all, but I ended up being pretty happy with the majority of the “cut off” points as I posted 2 chapters at a time. I didn’t even add chapters until after the entire book had been written, so it was just a happy coincidence things worked out that way.
As with a lot of my writing in recent years, I think Don’t Worry’s strongest point is the overarching story— on a grand scale, I am very happy with the story arc, character arcs, thematic elements, and how they all intertwine. I’ve mentioned before that I always try to ensure my endings are earned, and I think I succeeded here. Wren really gets put through the wringer, but not in a way that feels gratuitous or exaggerated, and her transformation (and ultimate realization that she can never truly win) is, conversely, hard-won.
Probably because it was my debut that I wrote on my own time and with no contractual obligations hanging over my head, I’m really proud to say I didn’t pull my punches. There are feminist themes in Don’t Worry that are very critical of a lot of liberal and even leftist views, especially calling into question choice feminism, plastic surgery, gender roles, and the sex/body positive movements. This is a narrative that is very critical of femininity as an institution, while also acknowledging that the women forced to live under this system are not perfect, free of bias, or slay queens just because they are women. Women can and do step on and destroy each other within the wider patriarchal system that seeks to step on and destroy them in turn. Wren (and Ashley) can be deeply unlikeable at times and make terrible (but hopefully understandable) decisions, while remaining sympathetic and complex.
I have often found a lot of “issue” narratives can feel very sterile and inhuman. While I wouldn’t call Don’t Worry an “issue” narrative 100%, there’s definitely something akin to it floating in its DNA. I think I succeeded in taking a lot of the more cringeworthy elements that you tend to see in issue narratives (proselytizing, prose that reads like a tumblr post, one-note hero/villain characters, etc) and offering a more complex, character-focused take. I also think it helps that it’s funny, but not a comedy. We tend to underestimate how powerful humour is in more serious narratives— really helps the medicine go down.
I am very pleased with the tension between Wren and Ashley, as well as their eventual crazy fuck sesh. Lesbians are so rarely portrayed as panting after crazy fuck seshes. Lesbians are so rarely portrayed as being sexual beings (in a way that isn’t a creepy porn category) at all, and I was more than happy to step up to the plate. Plus, who doesn’t love a good will they/won’t they with the added delirium of “does she actually like me or am i simply providing her with non-threatening attention”.
I love Wren. In the name of professionalism, I swore she wouldn’t be my cinnamon roll/blorbo/whatever the new term is, but what can I say. I’ve always loved (and been terrified of) an ice queen. For what it’s worth, I think I did a good job of hiding my affections…
… maybe save the ending. I really like the ending— I do think it’s earned, and I do think it fits into the “surprising but inevitable” camp I’ve banged on about before— but I had my concerns about it being “too easy”. I fretted about the fairly stereotypical time jumps that happen at the end. It’s so easy to skip over significant events and then reap the narrative rewards without ever having to devote page space to the grueling journey— the author is like, just trust me bro, Wren had a lot of quiet personal revelations during her year of living in the woods, you’re just gonna have to believe me. At the same time… I think the previous 39 chapters do a pretty good job of making their case.
I was also worried Ashley showing up of her own volition was a bit much. I think I tempered it pretty well with the final jab at how hopeless the world is for women with the Brandy stinger, but at the same time, I was really moved by the concept of Ashley, always a force to be reckoned with, deciding that actually, fuck what Wren thinks. Ashley’s here to stay, and changing Wren’s decor to suit her preferences as I type this, Wren leaning against the nearest doorframe, arms crossed, watching her work with a hidden smile on her face.
Don’t Worry’s most glaring weakness is the word count. For a literary fiction debut, this is a whopper at just under 110k. Had I gotten the chance to work with an editor, I would’ve been looking for some serious assistance with trimming down the first third. I complain about overlong first acts in books all the time, only to fall prey to the same evil urge. C’est la vie.
As with most of my writing, I find the prose pretty milquetoast. Like, it’s fine. There’s a few bangers hidden in there. But I know I’m capable of better. The problem is, being a good line-by-line writer is fucking hard. You know how many lines are in 110k? A lot. Better prose, meaningful prose, and lyrical (but not purple) prose are all things I will continue to strive for. I know I’m capable of it, is the thing. I just need to put in the work.
The plot, as such, could be tightened up. Notably the drama surrounding Ashley’s mom’s confederate flag decal/kissing Kristy debacle. Though I maintain that Wren thinking CHOO CHOO DYKE EXPRESS COMING THROUGH is incredibly funny is the correct reaction.
Near the end of Don’t Worry, Wren suffers what could kindly be called a break from reality and starts thinking of herself as an object, as it. The funniest possible story behind this is that when I first came up with the concept, it was like, a joke? Not a joke, exactly, but I immediately dismissed the idea as being too goofy, too on the nose, just too much. And then I wrote it anyway, and I realized how the logical endpoint of virulent, merciless objectification through her late teens and entire adult life so far leading to her entire sense of self being eclipsed by only how she was consumed by others, I was like, well, that makes perfect sense, actually. So it stayed.
Would it be weird if I wrote fanfiction for my own original fiction? I have no interest in writing fanfiction anymore, but surely this would count as an exception? Over the past year or so I went through a huge bigfoot phase, which included watching all 11 seasons of Finding Bigfoot. Incredible TV, highly recommend. Anyway, hear me out. For weeks I was consumed by a post canon fic where Wren somehow gets suckered into joining an all-women group of cryptozooligist bigfoot hunters who traipse through the woods one night every month to “gather evidence”, or, as the team on Finding Bigfoot calls it, “squatchin’”. The premise is absurd, but consider this: she lives in the PNW now. Of course there’s an all-women group of cryptozooligists who go on monthly outings to try and find evidence of bigfoot. Or, consider THIS: Wren has trouble connecting with other women. What better women for her to connect with, as a fellow freak, than a bunch of other freaks? They’re not the same breed of freak, but freaks gotta stick together. And of course because Wren is stupid hot, the youngest member of their group is a socially awkward 18 year old lesbian who develops a fat crush on her, which makes Ashley crrrrrrazy, because girlfriend derangement syndrome doesn’t stop just because you’re a lesbian (and also she’s super weirded out by Wren’s decision to do this in the first place because she doesn’t understand that community is the bigfoot wren found along the way), which eventually prompts them to go on a couples trip to visit Celia and Daphne so they can get “a weekend away", but THEN Wren is a moron and doesn’t mention to Ashley that Celia is her ex, and when Ashley finds out she goes even crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrazier (fair), which leads to Celia being like are you fucking kidding me you didn’t tell her?? and wren is sheepish and embarrassed and really doesn’t have an excuse beyond her still learning how to be in a real relationship and bad at communication and talking about things, which leads to Wren and Ashley having possessive sex in Celia’s guest bedroom on her squeaky guest bed (Celia was smart enough to vacate the premises and take Daphne out on a date) which leads to Wren proposing to Ashley in the middle of sweaty passionate sex, something that is obviously a sore spot for Ashley that they’ve never talked about, never planned for, and Wren didn’t even realize how badly she wanted Ashley to be her wife and for her to be Ashley’s wife until that moment, and Ashley goes even CRRRRRRRAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZIERRRRR (wren’s penchant for taking L’s remains quite strong post canon) before practically exploding into a million pieces and wail-accepting yet another shitty, unplanned proposal that is infinitely better than the last shitty, unplanned proposal she received, because she wanted it so bad and was so afraid to ever even touch that part of herself again, especially because if Wren turned her down or wasn’t interested in marriage she would blow up, and the fact that Wren brought it up unprompted and when they’re both high as fuck on sex hormones leads to maybe the most enthusiastic yes in the history of marriage proposals, despite the insane and slightly worrisome undertones, and yeah, that’s my presentation.
Sorry, I blacked out for a minute there. What was i saying?
Anyway… thanks for reading my book!
the part where i ask you for money on ko-fi
I threatened to start a donate page on this site, but I ended up settling on a ko-fi, as I believe more people are familiar with it, and, not to be a capitalist pig, but doing it here would cost money, and ko-fi is free. You can also blog over there, though I’ll have to do more research before deciding if it would be the right fit for the platform. In fact, I have no idea if Don’t Worry About It and any other lesbian works I’m considering writing would be considered erotica or pornography (regardless of my own personal feelings on the matter), and a lot of platforms don’t take kindly to that type of content. Lots of fanfiction writers use it so maybe it would be fine? Guess I’ll find out.
You can find me on ko-fi here. Regarding donations, please note: writing fanfiction has been a hobby of mine for over a decade, as well as a way to connect with the source medium, fandom, and myself. Writing fic has been as much for myself as it has been for others, though that doesn’t change how grateful I am for the overwhelmingly kind response (and discourse) my writing has generated over the years.
This ko-fi does not exist for “fic rendered”. I am not collecting or soliciting donations for fanfiction I wrote for fun, as a hobby (aka all of it). I wrote fic for the love of the game (and kudos) and I ask you to refrain from donating if your only goal is to thank me for my fandom contributions. I promise, your enjoyment and engagement is more than enough!
What this ko-fi does exist for is supporting my transition into writing original fiction. One day, maybe, possibly, if the planets align and the unknowable, non-existent forces that govern our existence are in a benevolent mood, a literary agent will deign to take me on as a client and I can become an “official” author, cashing “official” author cheques. However, today is not that day.
I have always struggled with the concept of being paid for my “work”, so I think a donate option is a fair middle ground now that I have left behind fanfiction (which I do not want to be paid for) and entering the terrifying world of having to make up everything myself. And, well, I’m a good writer. This is my craft, and I have spent years and an entire university degree honing it. I can only justify why I think I deserve to be paid for my original work so much before I start to undermine the art of writing as a whole.
THAT BEING SAID…
Donations are not expected or required, only appreciated. Any and all support (engagement, sharing my original work with others, etc) is just as, if not more valuable, than any dollar amount. Anything on my ao3 will always be available for free. Maybe I will produce paid original content in the future on ko-fi, though that is only a possibility.
the part where i Don’t Worry About It Ebook
As I just said, Don’t Worry About It is available for free on ao3. You can download it, print it, put it on your e-reader, whatever. However, I thought it might be fun to do an ebook version as well so that instead of just flat out donating, you can actually get something in return if you like. This is a PDF file I created that looks a little bit more like an actual novel as opposed to fanfiction. I’m not a professional— I couldn’t even get the cover art to convert from a word doc to a PDF gracefully, which is why it’s a bit grainy— but it was a fun project to work on, and potentially something I am interested in pursuing in the future. This is a “pay what you want” model, meaning exactly that, with the lowest price being $0.01.
The cover art was also really fun to do, and something I’ve had in mind for a while. It was inspired by the cover of My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh. I considered using a pen name that is less goofy than saltyfeathers, but am also mindful of the fact that in the future I might actually want to use said pen name for more mainstream pursuits, so for now, you’re stuck with the goofy ao3 username.
You can purchase the Don’t Worry About it Ebook here.
the part where i what’s next?
It’s so tempting to put “idk” and just leave it at that.
However, I do have plans. I spent the majority of my adult life purposely not having plans, or only having vague plans, and it has become eminently clear that specific goals are what I need to feel like a real human participating in real society. I expect to have a real life real boring real steady job soonish that will take up the majority of my weekdays. I am trying to fill my free time with meaningful and useful hobbies/skills. I am spending time with my family and trying to learn how to move through the everyday social landscape without feeling like I’m being crushed beneath a pressure equivalent to that found at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. I’m trying to figure out what I want in a future partner and future friends, because I spent a long time not putting any thought into either, and as a result ended up in relationships that left me exhausted, lonely, unfulfilled, and with a wealth of self-esteem issues that I feel way too old to have. Despite how impossible it feels, I also have my eye set on eventually becoming a homeowner, and based on my understanding, preparing for that transition can never begin early enough.
As for my writing, I’m about 1/3rd of the way through my next novel (with an eye toward serious plot revisions already, because of course). I can’t give specifics because I am hoping to actually get this one published, but if no one wants that one either, prepare to see it on ao3/ko-fi. This will come as no surprise if you’ve read basically any of my other blog posts that discuss mainstream publishing, but what that means is this novel is going to be “fun” and “palatable to a general audience” and “a lot less complex and interesting than what I’m capable of”. That doesn’t mean it sucks or anything. It’s just a bit… nerfed. But it’s still about lesbians! So, there’s that. Though somehow I doubt that helps much with the whole “getting published” or “palatable to a general audience” concepts.
There’s also a handful of short/novella-length ideas I’ve had kicking around for a while that I might peck away at in the short term. I would love if you stuck around to see what I’m up to, as keeping my writing fire burning means a lot to me and your engagement is a big part of what motivates me. During the drier spells, I would like to keep this blog (or ko-fi, or both) updated semi-frequently. Monthly at the least, I hope. Also, you can put your email address in the little box at the bottom of this page if you want email notifications when I post.
Thanks for reading, and stay tuned :)